The Drama legion
by Reallion
Summary: Commander Erwin is a mysterious man. Blond and handsome with eyebrows full of secrets. One of his many secret is that he has always wanted to be a playwright. It was only a matter of time when this urge finally bursts and he makes his newest recruits part of his one and only masterpiece. WARNING: Manga spoilers and implied pairings.
1. Chapter 1

Erwin has always wanted to write a drama and Levi has always wanted to be a drama quee- I mean, a drama star. Don't deny it, Levi. We all know it's the truth, you can't fool us, your forever faithful and perverted fangirls.

But back to the story.

One day it just had to happen.

Erwin called for a crucial meeting. He had an idea about a heart-breaking story of an unnamed angry German boy, to whom life had prepared many obstacles like dead mother, titans and mentally challenged overly attached stepsister aka girlfriend. It was a story full of tears, pain, gore, sex, blood, bondage, ridiculously handsome commanders, tiny corporals, gay cadets, potatoe freaks, short blonde girls, sweaty princes, freckles and forever alone horses.

It was beautiful.

But the biggest problem was how is he going to divide the roles? Who would be the best for playing an angry German boy? It was a crucial role after all. He had to find somebody who is… well, angry and German all the time.

This is where our real story begins:

Erwin: I welcome you all to our little drama session.

Levi: *stares sexily*

Sasha: Where are all the sandwiches? I was promised sandwiches!

Erwin: This is a serious matter, cadet Sasha, who told about the food?

Connie: *proudly points at himself*It was my genius plan!

Levi: *still stares sexily*

Erwin: *sighs* Sasha, I am sorry, but I actually need you here, I might give you one of the main roles.

Sasha: But I am going to starve to death! How can I play when I am dead?

Erwin: Sasha, I can assure you that nobody had ever died from being one hour without food.

Jean: Just give me and Mikasa the two main roles so we can all go for a dinner, commander.

Levi: *still stares sexily… at Eren*

Eren: *senpai is watching me! Be cool, Eren! Be cool!*

Eren: *trips over the table, chair, wardrobe, every single piece of furniture in the room before nearly falling out of the window*

Mikasa: *saves Eren*

Jean: *is jealous*

Erwin: Ah, actually, I would like to test Levi, cadet Fubar and cadet Renz as possible angry German boys.

Ymir: Christa will not play as some filthy boy! *holds her closer, preventing her from volunteering for the role herself*

Erwin: …

Erwin: *looks closely at Christa*

Erwin: *looks at Armin on his left*

Erwin: *leans to Armin* *whispers* What was your name, _boy_.

Armin: *whispers back* A-Armin Arlert, sir!

Erwin: *still whispers* Armin Arlert, are you sure your name is not Christa Renz?

Armin: *whispers back again* Q-quite sure, sir.

Erwin: *coughs and straightens up* Point taken, cadet Ymir. *crosses Christas name*

Erwin: So please, cadet Fubar, give me your best impression of angry German boy.

Bertholdt: *weeps*

Bertholdt: I… ugh…

Bertholdt: *stands up while blushing and sweating hard*

Bertholdt: *nervously rises his fist*

Bertholdt: um… Let's kill…. All the titans..?

Erwin: …

Everyone: …

King: …

Titans: …

Wall Maria: I gave my virginity to this.

Reiner: *jumps onto his feet while aggressively clapping* BRAVO! BERTLBEAR YOU ARE SO DAMN TALENTED OMG OMG OMG *fangirlboy squee* THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU, NO HOMO THO, BRO, BUT I WANT TO RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF RIGHT NOW AND- ***THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN CENSORED DUE TO HIGH LEVEL OF RADIOACTIVITY, RAINBOWS, UNICORNS AND IMPLIED HOT GAY SEX ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER AT REINER BRAUNS HOME AT 2:00 AM GMT. THE EVENT IS OPEN FOR PUBLIC, OUR STAFF WILL BE SELLING BATTERIES FOR YOUR VIDEO CAMERAS AND COLD BEVERAGE.**

…

**ALSO WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCES AND STUFF***

Levi: *still stares sexily*

Erwin: *writes into his script*

Erwin: *mumbling* gay cadet no 01-69: Reiner Braun.

Erwin: *mumbling* notes: gay as two male unicorns riding each other into the sunset while vomiting rainbows.

Erwin: *mumbling* I can't wait for the bondage scene…

Erwin: *coughs* Ok! One role down.

Erwin: Cadet Braun, you may sit down, thank you.

Bertholdt: B-but.. i-it was me who…

Erwin: Sit. Down.

Bertholdt: *sits down*

Reiner: *casually sits on Bertholdts lap*

Erwin: Levi, it's your turn.

Levi: *stands up while looking sexily at Eren*

Levi: *breathes in*

Everybody: *hold their breaths in unbearable anticipation*

Levi: *opens his mouth*

Eren: TIIIIIIIIITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS! *jumps out of the window furiously raging and slashing the air with a pencil in his hand*

Mikasa: Eren! *jumps after Eren*

Jean: Mika- *is interrupted by Armins screaming*

Armin: Mikasa! *runs past Jean after Mikasa*

Jean: ...

Annie: Armin! *runs past Jean after Armin*

Bertholdt: Annie! *runs past Jean after Annie*

Reiner: Bertholdt! *runs past Jean after Bertholdt*

Connie: Reiner! *runs past Jean after Reiner*

Sasha: Connie! *runs past Jean after Connie*

Christa: Sasha! *runs past Jean after Sasha*

Ymir: Ma Bae! *runs past Jean after her Bae*

Marco + Jean + Erwin + Levi: *left in the room alone*

Jean: *turns to Marco*

Jean: *his eyes brighten up* Oh, Marco, you actually staye-

Marco: Guys! *runs past Jean after everyone else*

Jean: … fuck you.

Erwin: Where is everyone going? I need to finish this! I got only one role!

Levi: The titans are invading the city, Erwin.

Erwin: Your argument is irrelevant, Levi. I am the commander and I demand my actors.

Erwin: Stupid titans. Who do they think they are?

Jean: *complaining about his life* Everyone. Just go fuck yourself. I don't need nobody in my life.

Jean: I don't need no love. I am totally happy being left alone.

Erwin: *continues with complaining about his own life* All of those titans. They are so not invited to my birthday party. And all those cadets too. Running off like this.

Levi: They are currently out there getting eaten by titans to save the whole mankind.

Jean: I DON'T NEED THEM AT ALL. I AM STRONG INDEPENDENT and needless to say incredibly handsome JEAN KIRSCHTEIN WHO DON'T NEED NO MARCO BODT OR MIKASA ACKERMAN.

Erwin: *looks at Jean*

Erwin: *writes something into his papers*

Erwin: Two roles. *smiles a satisfying smile*

Levi: Which role did you fill in?

Erwin: cadet Kirschtein as forever alone horse.

Jean: …

Jean: …

Jean: … commander, may I have the permission to speak freely.

Erwin: Permission granted, my new star.

Jean: Fuck you, sir.


	2. Chapter 2

**Erwin:** I welcome you to our second drama session, cadets and Levi.

**Erwin:** First of all I am truly sorry cadet Bodt couldn't make it.

**Erwin:** He will be missed.

**Erwin:** Until our next session.

**Levi:** Erwin, he is only visiting his parents, stop talking like if he had been half eaten by some titan while protecting this son of a horse.

**Connie:** Son of a horse! *starts laughing hysterically*

**Mikasa:** I like horses.

**Jean:** *eyes sparkling*

**Mikasa:** They are strong, elegant and majestic creatures.

**Jean:** *is about to say something*

**Mikasa:** Unlike Jean over here.

**Jean:** *moves into far away corner in great depression*

**Erwin:** Where is cadet Braus?

**Connie:** She was hungry, sir! She stopped to eat, sir! She ate too much and no she is unable to move, sir!

**Erwin:** And cadet Fubar and cadet Braun?

**Eren:** Reiner only said „Oh, boy, look at the clock! It's 2:00 AM GMT!", commander. Not sure, what does that mean.

**Annie:** ... *stands up*

**Annie:** I am sorry, sir, I have an urgent appointment I have to attend to. *leaves the room before anyone can ask*

**Mikasa:** *mumbles* Nobody will miss you, bitch.

**Jean:** Oh, Mikasa, you are so badass I-

**Mikasa:** *turns to face Jean*

**Jean:** Yo-o-o... h-h-ha-ha-r b-b-ee p-p-rettiful.

**Jean:** *fuck. I fucked up. Prettiful. Seriously. I seriously said that.*

**Jean:** *I am going to feed myself to titans*

**Mikasa:** Move, Kirschtein, I can't see Eren.

**Erwin:** Cadets, please. This is a serious matter.

**Erwin:** I have decided cadet Jean will play as Forever Alone Horse...

**Connie:** *laughs hysterically again*

**Jean:** Shut the fuck up, Springer! I will hit you!

**Connie:** *trying to speak while laughing* You only want to hit me, because nobody wants to hit _ON_ you! *bursts into an uncontrollable laughter one more time*

**Jean:** DAMNIT, CONNIE, I SWEAR-

**Erwin:** Cadets!

**Levi:** Erwin, if I may. *places hand on Erwins shoulder*

**Erwin:** *nods*

**Levi:** *voice drops an octave*

**Levi:** Listen up you little shits.

**Everyone:** *freezes*

**Levi:** Maybe you all think this is some kind of a damn game.

**Everyone:** ...

**Levi:** *nonchalantly sips from Erwins teacup with „COMMANDER HANDSOME" on it*

**Erwin:** ... but?

**Levi:** That's all.

**Levi:** *takes a marker and crosses the „SOME" while smirking in his mind*

**Everyone:** ...

**Erwin:** ... Levi? *looks at his COMMANDER HANDSOME cup*

**Levi:** Yes, Erwin?

**Erwin:** My gaydar is tingling, please make haste to the Military Police headquarters.

**Ymir:** Sorry, it's gotta be me I'll try to turn my gay off.

**Levi:** I trust your decision, Erwin, but I have to agree with cadet Ymir.

**Levi:** And isn't like everyone gay in the Military Police?

**Erwin:** That's the spirit, now go.

**Levi:** But Erwin-

**Erwin:** Go.

**Levi:** *leaves the room*

**Erwin:** Finally, my rising stars, some time to concentrate on work.

**Someone:** *knocks on the door*

**Erwin:** … is this some kind of conspiracy?

**Erwin:** Because I am the conspirator and I don't appreciate being conspirated! *makes up words*

**Erwin:** I am the one who should conspire everyone.

**Erwin:** *sighs* … you may come in.

***a great beam of light fills the room blinding everyone for a second***

**Ymir:** Such a holy light!

**Connie:** Who could that be?

**Christa:** What kind of godly creature?

**Ymir:** It burns!

**Ymir:** Christa, I am in pain!

**Ymir:** I think some lesbian action would help a lot. *suggestive eyebrow rise*

**Christa**: But Ymir, you promised you would try to act straight.

**Ymir**: Damnit!

**Eren:** TITAAAAAAAAAAAN! *jumps off his seat with a comb in his hand*

**Marco:** *enters* Sir! *salutes* Everyone. *smiles*

**Eren:** *stops*

**Marco:** Why do you look at me like you want to brutally murder me while yelling angry in German, Eren?

**Eren:** I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TITAN, MARCO. YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL NEXT TIME.

**Marco:** But titans do not knock.

**Eren:** YOU SURE KNOW A LOT ABOUT TITANS, MARCO.

**Marco:** What are you..?

**Eren:** I HAVE MY EYES ON YOU, MR. MAYBEATITAN. YOU CAN'T HIDE BEHIND YOUR FRECKLES FOREVER.

**Marco:** Eren, please-

**Erwin:** Welcome, cadet Bodt, how are your parents? Don't tell me, I don't care, just sit down and shut up.

**Erwin:** Since I still can't decide the main role, we'll get some of the less important ones done instead.

**Erwin**: Like Freckles.

**Jean:** But sir, freckles _are _important!

**Erwin:** Don't tell me how to live my life, cadet Horse.

**Erwin:** I mean, cadet Kirschtein. *was totally a mistake*

**Jean**: But sir, just look at him! *stands behind Marco*

**Jean:** He is like Jesus.

**Jean:** but with freckles!

**Jean:** He is freckled Jesus!

**Jean:** Can't you see, commander?

**Jean:** He died for your sins, commander, and you are just being ungrateful.

**Marco:** But Jean, I am still aliv-

**Erwin:** I don't want any freckled Jesuses in my drama.

**Jean:** But commander, think about the possibilities!

**Jean:** Marco could die for all our sins! It would be so inspirational!

**Erwin:** Why would you kill somebody as sweet as cadet Bodt.

**Erwin:** That would be just stupid.

**Erwin:** What kind of person would do that.

**Erwin:** You may not speak for the rest of the session, cadet Kirschtein.

**Jean:** *devastated moves to his emo corner again*

**Erwin:** Now back to-

**Someone:** *knocks on the door*

**Erwin:** Why.

**Erwin:** You may_ NOT_ enter.

**Levi:** *enters* Erwin, stop being whiny little bitch and listen up, we are deep in shit.

**Everyone minus Connie:** *gasps*

**Connie:** How deep?

**Levi:** nose-deep.

**Connie:** Like how deep is that? Nose-deep like you, sir, nose-deep or Bertholdt nose-deep.

**Levi:** Titan-nose-deep.

**Connie:** Like which titan? Like 3-meters-class-titan-nose-deep or 15-meters-class-titan-nose-deep?

**Levi:** Colossal-titan-nose-deep in shit.

**Connie:** *gasps*

**Erwin:** What happened?

**Levi:** Nile is doing his own play.

**Erwin:** WHAT?!


	3. Chapter 3

**Erwin:** That copycat!

**Erwin:** How dares he?!

**Erwin:** This was all MY idea!

**Jean:** What are we gonna do? I mean, we can't let the Military police to get away with that, can we?

**Erwin:** Cadet Kirschtein, why are you speaking?

**Erwin:** Horses do not speak.

**Erwin:** So shut the fuck up, cadet.

**Connie:** That was very NEIGHcessary.

**Jean:** *rolls up his sleeves and starts marching towards Connie*

**Erwin:** Cadet Kirschtein, move to your corner of shame. Now.

**Jean:** *swears a bloody revenge*

**Erwin:** Forget about everything I've said about roles being serious matter.

**Erwin:** This is our priority now.

**Erwin:** We have to fuck Nile up somehow.

**Erwin:** And I think I have just the right ide-

**Levi:** No Erwin, gluing a horn to his horse is old.

**Erwin:** But he looked like he was riding a freaking unicorn, Levi!

**Erwin:** UNICORN.

**Erwin:** U.N.I.C.O-

**Armin:** I think I have a plan.

**Armin:** We don't have to sabotage them. It's not like we've got a license to it.

**Armin:** Everybody can do their own play whenever they want.

**Armin:** We just have to do a better job. It's that simple.

**Everyone:** ...

**Erwin:** …Cadet Arlert, if you may...

**Erwin:** Keep cadet Kirschtein company in his corner of great shame, okay?

**Armin:** Actually, Marco already joined him so-

**Erwin:** He needs a lot more company, cadet Springer can join as well.

**Connie:** I did nothing!

**Erwin:** Exactly.

**Armin:** *goes past Erwin*

**Erwin:** ...wait.

**Erwin:** *stands up and leans to Armin*

**Erwin:** Is that a...

**Erwin:** freckle on your face?!

**Armin:** Wha-

**Erwin:** I have decided, cadet Arlert is going to be Freckles.

**Ymir:** What. Even I have way more freckles than him.

**Ymir:** Not to mention our freckled Jesus over there.

**Jean:** Don't you dare to badmouth Marco, you freckled Satan!

**Mikasa:** It was only some dirt, commander *wipes Armins whole face*

**Levi:** Did you not take a shower last hour, cadet? *throws a bucket full of water on him and starts rubbing him with a mop while standing as far away as he can*

**Levi:** I will not stay in one room with someone as filthy as him.

**Levi:** Heichou out. *puts on swag-glasses*

**Erwin:** Levi, please, wait! *takes Levis sunglasses* You are the only one sane in this room.

**Erwin:** Please don't leave me. I can change, Levi. I CAN CHANGE!

**Erwin:** … and cadet Ackerman is going to walk cadet Arlert to the showers and washes him. I want him clear and pure as a little Arlert baby. This responsibility lies on your shoulders, cadet Ackerman.

**Erwin:** But I must warn you. 30% of you won't return.

**Armin:** 30% of me and Mikasa?

**Armin:** Does that mean I can lose my arm? Or both?

**Armin:** Will I have to call myself Legin?

**Mikasa:** Sounds legit, Legin.

**Erwin:** Sacrifices must be taken. We all know that. *salutes*

**Everyone:** *salutes*

**Mikasa:** *salutes*

**Levi:** Wait, Ackerman. Take this, you'll need it. *gives Mikasa a scourer*

**Mikasa:** Thank you, heichou. *takes it while staring deeply into his eyes*

**Levi:** Good luck. *salutes*

**Mikasa:** *nods and salutes*

**Armin:** *sobs*… I don't… want to be Legin… *is leaving with Mikasa*

**Mikasa:** Relax, maybe you'll lose a leg or two.

**Armin:** Very comforting, Mikasa. *door closes*

**Erwin:** Cadet Kirschtein, what are you doing?

**Erwin:** Horses do not salute.

**Jean:** Now you are just being ridiculous, commander!

**Jean:** Of course horses salute!

**Erwin:** I do not argue with horses, if they disobey, I shoot them in the genitals.

**Jean:** *covers his private areas with both hands and turn again to his corner of shame*

**Jean:** *I want to go into showers with Mikasa too*

**Jean:** *that lucky bastard Legin*

**Connie:** Please, commander, I have a question.

**Erwin:** Speak up, cadet.

**Connie:** When Armin comes back can we all just casually call him Armout? Please, commander? Can we?

**Erwin:** And this is the reason why I sent you to the corner of shame, cadet Springer.

**Erwin:** Hell yes, we gonna do it!

**Erwin:** Cadet Arlert is hereby proclaimed cadet Armout.

**Connie:** You are the best commander!

**Erwin:** Of course I am. Now, go back to your corner of shame where you belong, you little shit.

**Connie:** Gladly, sir!

**Erwin: ***mumbles* fuckin' masochistic kids and shit… *coughs* Now, where were we?

**Erwin:** Ah yes, we need to fuck Nile in the butt really hard.

**Erwin:** *sudden realization* That might just work actually.

**Erwin:** Levi, would you-

**Levi:** No.

**Erwin:** I am the strategist here.

**Erwin:** But I can't do a single shit if you little bitches ain't prepared to make sacrifices.

**Erwin:** I can't do all the work by myself you see.

**Levi:** Don't worry, Erwin. I got a plan.

**Levi:** Let's just give Nile the main role.

**Erwin:** WHAT?!

**Levi:** It's going to work, Erwin. He won't turn you down, you'll see.

**Erwin:** And what next?

**Levi:** Just give that little shit false info about the place and time of playing. And some false script too.

**Erwin:** …

**Erwin:** Nile as the main character.

**Erwin:** NILE AS THE MAIN CHARACTER.

**Erwin:** OF MY PLAY.

**Erwin:** *sounds of a dying whale*

**Levi:** Are you feeling alright, Erwin?

**Erwin:** Can't we just kill him?

**Levi:** No.

**Levi:** Maybe you hadn't already realized…

**Levi:** … but killing people is actually illegal.

**Erwin:** …

**Erwin:** … oh.

**Erwin:** And sending them on a suicide mission with no possible way to survive?

**Levi:** Illegal as well.

**Erwin:** … oh.

**Erwin:** *stands up and walks to Eren*

**Erwin:** Eren, give me your arm.

**Eren:** THAT'S NOT HOW YOU PROPOSE, SIR.

**Erwin:** I've lost my bitchslapper.

**Erwin:** I can't slap bitches now.

**Erwin:** I need your bitchslapper.

**Eren:** BUT SIR I NEED IT TO SLAP TITANS!

**Erwin:** It will grow back, you are fine! Levi, give me your sword!

**Levi:** *unzips his pants*

**Erwin:** Not_ THAT_ sword! That sword! *points at his 3DMGear*

**Levi:** You need to be more specific next time.

**Someone:** *knocks on the door*

**Eren:** TIIIIIITTTTT-! *furiously sprinting towards door holding a chair above his head*

**Mikasa:** *opens the door*

**Eren:** -KAAASAAAAA!

**Jean:** Did you just call her Titkasa?

**Mikasa:** Hello, Eren. You have all of your limbs. I left you for like 5 seconds and you didn't lose any of them. And you brought me a chair to sit on. I am so proud, Eren. *hugs him*

**Jean:** He just called her Titkasa and tried to stab her with a freaking chair and she hugged him.

**Jean:** I would be dead if I called her Titkasa.

**Jean:** World is a cruel place.

**Jean:** But beautiful in the same time.

**Erwin:** Shut the fuck up, cadet Kirchstein, nobody wants to listen to your whining.

**Erwin:** Eren, give me your bitchslapper. That is an order.

**Levi:** Erwin, you do realize you still have your left hand?

**Erwin**: … *looks at his left hand*

**Erwin:** … oh.

**Erwin:** *slaps himself*

**Levi:** Let me help you. *slaps Erwin*

**Erwin:** Thanks, Levi, your bitchslapper is as mighty as usual.

**Reiner:** Oh, boy, bitchslapping is going on!

**Reiner:** Gotta join! *slaps Bertholdt*

**Bertholdt:** IIeeeeh! *shrieks with voice so high even bats are able to understand him and hides behind Annie*

**Annie:** You've scared him Reiner.

**Annie:** I told you to keep your voice down.

**Reiner:** I just got all excited!

**Connie:** And when did _you _guys came back?


End file.
